December 31st

This morning I had to forgive myself before I even got out of bed.

I woke up feeling actually rested, something that still feels so precious after sleeping so poorly at times this year, and I just laid there for awhile watching the clouds move outside my bedroom windows. It was early, and the morning light hadn’t fully taken center stage yet – it felt like by watching the day begin to unravel I was being told a secret that not everyone gets to hear.

But my moment of just breathing into the aliveness didn’t seem to last long at all before my brain began to list off all the things I *should* be doing with this day off. It’s the last day of the year, and one of my last vacation days before heading back to work after the holidays. Immediately I could feel myself start to tighten up, even though I was just laying there in bed. I was preemptively filling my day with things that would make me appear to be productive and in control, even if all the things I was listing in my head were not things that I actually had the headspace to handle today.

The thoughts just flooded in for a few moments before something stopped them. A memory of a conversation with my best friend a couple days ago. We were sitting in my living room talking about this coming year, the start of a brand new decade, and I asked them what they thought would be their biggest challenge coming into this next year. When they bounced the question back on me, I told them that getting in my own way will probably persist as being my biggest challenge.

It’s true because I am a master at stepping into my own path and putting up roadblocks that need not be there. I see a clear sunny day and have to throw in a few rain clouds because things couldn’t possibly be as good as they seem.

Remembering that conversation snapped me out of the mind tunnel that I had unintentionally starting digging for myself. Because this year that we are celebrating the birth of with fireworks and community and giving ourselves time to grieve the year that twenty-nineteen has been is worth giving ourselves a break over. No sense in stressing about a life that we haven’t even begun to build when all we want to be doing is existing right where we are.

So I took out my phone and made a list of things that I wanted to do today. I went to write at my favorite coffee shop. I picked up ingredients to cook myself a delicious warm meal and make homemade dog treats for my four legged baby. I took down my christmas tree and gave myself time to just sit in the quiet that I’ve built for myself in this space and just thought about all the 2019 was to me. I laid in bed and forgave myself for putting too much pressure on a day that required nothing from me to be good.

And I think that’s what 2020 feels like for me right now. Tonight feels like an exhale, right before you jump. It feels like 2020 will be the inhale of grabbing on to a life that we have been fighting for. It feels like forgiving yourself over and over when we put pressure on ourselves to build something that doesn’t fit who we are. It feels like forgiving the small moments that weigh on us because we didn’t realize that we could just let go.

I started this last day of a decade by forgiving myself.

I hope tonight you can forgive yourself too.

Happy New Years, loves. The clock is about to strike twelve.

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

One.

December: Boundaries

Boundaries.

They can be such a buzzword today, in ways that I never could have anticipated. In fact, until I was in my 20s I never realized what boundaries really were. It was a word that I mostly associated to physical spaces that I wasn’t allowed to go, or a point that marked the end of one space and the beginning of another. These last two years have been years of growth and mess and realizing the need to work through things that you didn’t even realize were issues stemming from patterns and actions I learned when I was a kid.

It’s been a time of learning what boundaries are and starting to figure out where they should be in place and where they could be holding me back. Even if talking about boundaries can seem like pandering to a social movement, I think this is one act of pandering that can actually be helpful because boundaries set up the expectations for behaviors we will allow in our life and how we will treat each other/expect to be treated.

Twenty-nineteen feels like the year of boundaries for me.

Making them, ignoring them, figuring out how I can best serve myself and my relationships with them, and just generally speaking navigating them. Lately, I’ve been working on grasping the fact that boundaries are not meant to be isolating. We aren’t meant to use boundaries as walls to keep us from everything and everyone in our lives, as it can be tempting to do sometimes. We build boundaries with family, with friends, within our relationships and even at work. But they are not meant to get in the way of genuine, authentic connection.

I think that boundaries are meant to be used to promote these healthy relationships. It gives us the agency to say these are the things I need and deserve to have to be respected, and if you can’t facilitate that, we might not need to be in each other’s lives. It gives us the agency to say no to toxic families. To cut ties with friends who refuse to see how their actions affect us and to ask for respect from coworkers and management who we may have let walk over us in the past. But talking about boundaries isn’t just about getting rid of things in your life that were causing harm before, they are here to make way for better relationships and friendships and healthier connections with the world around us. They are meant to allow us to set down the things we were never meant to carry, so we have room to pick up the things that help us grow.

I’m thankful for the people in my life who are also building their lives to be what they want them to be and using boundaries to carve out that space for themselves. Thankful for friends who point out when I’ve crossed the line with a boundary that was set and who are also reminding me to have grace when I break boundaries even that I have in place only for myself. And I’m learning that the more boundaries I set up for myself, the more people who don’t have boundaries for themselves push back at my choices as selfishness. I’m trying to have grace for them and for myself to navigate healthier relationships. I’m trying to remind myself that I do not owe anyone an explanation for why I choose to enforce boundaries of saying no or leaving situations. I’m trying to remember that when it matters, there will be space to talk about these boundaries in a way that only helps build the connection I have to that person.

There are some folks, I know, who think that this is a self-centered way to live. To be constantly considering how my interactions with others effects my well-being can be foreign when in the past I’ve always set myself and my own needs aside to pick up the needs of other people can make me seem uncaring. But I’m learning that the more space I give myself to build more authentic connections with healthy boundaries in place, the more my community grows. The more I let myself grow and sit in my discomfort or the in-progress parts of my life, the larger my capacity for love and relationships I have for my people.

Like every therapist I’ve ever had has told me, you cannot pour from an empty cup, and having boundaries for myself has allowed me to hold space for myself to refill myself before I try to give to others.

Twenty-Twenty feels like it’s going to be a year of noticing more moments of joy. It feels like there is more hope for reusing the bricks I thought I had laid for myself before but this time for a foundation more solid for myself. It feels like it will be a year of adventures that I had only been dreaming about before and I know it’s going to be a good one. I know that this is what I’ve been working towards.

In what ways have boundaries played a role in your life? Do you struggle to keep them in place sometimes too? I know that especially when it comes to family, I have a hard time keeping boundaries because I am a peacekeeper at heart and that leads to me setting my own needs aside to accommodate the needs of the people I love. I’d love to hear your take on this too; all of our works in progress look a little different. But I’m happy to be taking this trek alongside you.

Talk soon.

lost cicadas

"this cicada song could be heard
 all the way in San Francisco, I’m sure
 their pulses looking for home 
 but our backs are flat against the earth 
 to feel grounded in something pushing back at us
 it feels like I’ve been here a thousand times 
 for the first time. 
 and somehow, it’s okay. 
 this wind will carry you with me
 until our feet don’t tire from carrying songs
 what were never meant for us"

I’m lucky. The place that I work is only a couple blocks from the inner-most downtown area of my city. I’m walking distance from all the hustle and bustle I could possibly want to be a part of. But I’m also just minutes away from a grassy area hugging the canal, where I can feel a breeze that wasn’t meant for me pushing through some shady willow trees on my lunch break. A rare quiet space so close to downtown, even with everyone passing through in that noon hour.

It’s been awhile since I’ve taken advantage of this space. It’s been awhile since I’ve sat on those man-made boulders that form steps reaching towards the water. And it’s been awhile since I’ve been reading in my spare moments instead of doing anything else. But today the sun was too perfect and the breeze felt good on my skin, so I found myself walking the path from campus to that shady spot when I clocked out for lunch.

Have you ever had that gut feeling hit you that you’re exactly where you are supposed to be in that moment? Where you look up and just know that you’re going the right direction? The last two years, most of those moments for me have completely taken me aback. And most of them were in moments that I got to share with someone I love. Where we both could stand there and just sense that no matter what happened moving forward, we were right where we were supposed to be in that moment together. Well, I made my way down those grassy steps today and it felt like I could breathe again after holding my breath for far longer than I could have realized.

I sat down in the shade and started reading searching for sunday by Rachel Held Evans. It’s a book that I didn’t realize I needed until I really started digging in. It’s about loving the church, then feeling lost in the church, and looking for a way back into this thing that you temporarily lost faith in. Not that you lost faith in your beliefs, but lost faith in the systems that are cultivating the beliefs around you. I’m only about halfway through this story and it’s everything I couldn’t have asked for, but I’m glad it’s being given to me anyway.

The way Rachel talks about feeling so secure in her identity in the church and then losing that identity and trying to find your way back to it is something I feel so deeply inside me. Even outside my faith journey, I’ve tried to hold onto these ideas that I thought made me who I am but I’ve been realizing over and over that I have to let go of how I thought things worked and who I thought I was supposed to be if I ever want to reach myself again. That feeling of not being sure if you believe the things you tell yourself about who you are or the feeling of not being sure if the things you believe in are truth can be so disorienting. But Rachel said something that sums up my experience with keeping on with this work in progress anyway:

“It’s [searching for sunday] about why, even on days when I suspect all this talk of Jesus and resurrection and life everlasting is a bunch of bunk designed to coddle us through an essentially meaningless existence, I should still like to be buried with my feet facing the rising sun. . . Just in case.”

This idea is what keeps me going most days. That even though I don’t feel whole or feel like I’m where I’m “supposed” to be in my life, I still want to do what I can to get to that place because some day I might actually get there. That even though I know that no one has it together so it’s fine that I don’t have my shit together either, I still want to be a little kinder than I have to be just because I don’t know if the people I’m coming in contact with are struggling just as much as I am.

I sat outside and just felt like the cicadas were letting me – and anyone who took the time to hear them – know that it’s going to be okay. It felt like they were saying I am home, even in this grassy area. That even though I’ve been feeling a bit lost most days as of late, it’s going to be okay. At the beginning of one of the chapters, Rachel quotes Gregory Alan Isakov’s song “The Stable Song” by saying “I threw stones at the stars, but the whole sky fell” and I felt compelled to listen to it again right then. The six-minute song felt like worship when I was just laying on my back, listening to it mix with the lost cicadas.

I’m not sure why I decided to go for that walk today, but I do know this work in progress heart needed that grounding energy. I needed that breeze to remind me that things that leave us have a way of coming back. I needed to read the words that I read from this book.

I hope you find yourself where you need to be today too. I hope you feel as close to yourself as you can in this moment. I’m walking this mess of a story right alongside you.

"remember when our songs were just like prayers
like gospel hymns that you called in the air. 
come down, come down sweet reverence, 
unto my simple house and ring... and ring" - the stable song

Talk soon.

Honest

I don’t think I can be the only one here who sometimes stays awake at night knowing that they are doing things that don’t necessarily serve themselves but can’t seem to stop themselves from continuing to do those things. I don’t think I’m alone in sometimes saying yes even when it makes your stomach churn because you know it isn’t the best thing for you.

Sitting yourself down and looking at whatever difficult situation is in your life isn’t easy or comfortable or even necessarily comforting. Getting honest with yourself means sometimes means that even when you say no to situations that aren’t good for you, you still end up with your stomach in knots because it doesn’t feel good to feel like you’re hurting people that you care about even if it’s for your own self preservation. Getting honest with yourself seems to mean that you’re going to get uncomfortable when you look at the friendships or relationships to all sorts of people in your life because you realize that just like Madea says in this crazy relevant clip, some people are just branches in your life and they aren’t the roots that you thought they were supposed to be.

And realizing that branches come to an end is something that if you’re like me and have spent your life being the peace-keeper and the one who just wants to make everyone happy, suddenly you’ll find yourself losing sleep over the fact that you know you have to let go of control of some situations because that’s the only thing that will let you keep growing.

I’m twenty-four years old. I’ve changed more in the last three years than I have in the rest of my time here. I have found friends that love me more than I feel like I deserve and I have loved them just the same. I have lost friendships that simply had come to their end and even if they didn’t end in a messy way, were still so hard to let go of. I have lost relationships with people that I adored. I have let go of reconciling relationships with family members who have just simply turned toxic to me. I have made so so so many mistakes. I’ve made some really good choices along the way too. I am painfully human. But I’m learning how to be honest.

I am learning to be honest to myself and for myself.

Honest to myself when I am messing up and causing harm and doing things that aren’t right for me or the people around me. And honest for myself when situations or people are causing more harm than joy to my life and I know I need to be the one to advocate for my needs. I know that I could exist without facing things for what they are, but that anymore the idea of living less than wholeheartedly is exhausting.

Existing is so difficult sometimes. Wanting to be authentic to yourself costs much. But when you get honest with yourself and look at the relationships you keep around you, if you’re like me you’ll want to see all the people around you who see you for you and are doing their best to be authentic to themselves as well. Kindness begets kindness. Growth begets growth.

There’s a quote that says “People will love you. People will hate you. And none of it will have anything to do with you.” I guess I’m just hoping that if I continue to be kind and continue to try to be as authentic as I can, I’ll leave behind a less hate than the love I get to bring. Even when it hurts to make decisions that will leave you without something that you’ve had in your life for a long time, the way they react is not your responsibility. People will see what they want to see when they look at you, but their lack of ability to see you for you does not mean you are less than.

These last three years of my life have been trying. As in they’ve been trying my patience and I’ve been trying to keep it together. But I’ve also been trying my best to heal from things that I didn’t understand before that I needed to heal from. I’ve been trying to figure out how to shed some of the masks that I grew up learning to put on to keep the peace, because those masks were costing me my own inner peace. And I’ve been learning that that price is too high for me, so the masks had to come off.

I know that I’ve hurt some people that I really love. I know that in spite of my best efforts, there is hurt in the world that I wish didn’t have to be there. I know that there is confusion and little moments of chaos that probably have my name on them. But I know that these choices that I make aren’t made out of spite or anger or split decisions, I’ve made choices the last two years because it seemed to be the best choice for where I am at in my life. And I’ve made choices with hours of sleepless nights considering all the possible consequences.

But I’m trying to be better. I’m trying to figure out how to not climb trees not meant for me just so I can pretend that I’ve made the climb out even when I’m still in the valley. In the words of Sarah Kay, “I am always trying to learn how to hold myself gently, but also hold myself accountable, as well as do the same for the people around me.”

And this accountability has come to make me feel stronger. Making hard choices in my life when I know it’s what’s best, even if the outcome isn’t what I want, are just ways that I am learning to keep myself honest with myself. If I’ve outgrown a place, I’m learning to thank it for it’s part in my journey and leave it when I need to. I don’t think that anything is gone forever. I think that sometimes journey’s have to separate in order to keep growing, even when separating your lives from those who you have had a huge impact on your life feels impossible and maybe even wrong in the moment.

I hope you’re being honest with yourself in your life. I hope you read this, and know that you aren’t alone with the hard choices you have to make to keep yourself accountable. I hope you know that it’s okay to make a choice that is best for yourself, even if you know it may hurt someone else, as long as you are handling the situation with kindness and love that you know the other person deserves. This life is hard and we need other people to keep us on track sometimes. But know that it’s also a work in progress to keep yourself on track too.

You are still worthy of being loved and seen while you are in progress. You are still worthy of being heard even when you’re not sure where to go next.

Talk soon.

Things are hard.

I thought about putting up a disclaimer about how if you think that millennial’s complain too much about how living is hard or how difficult it feels to just exist sometimes or even if you think that people these days glorify mental illness, you should click away. But then I decided against it. Because honestly, life is damn hard. And maybe if you hold those beliefs, it would do you some good to listen to a few people’s stories to get some perspective on how we aren’t all just babies or snowflakes who can’t handle a tough day.

Anyway, I hope whoever is reading this is doing well. I hope your day wasn’t too hard and that you aren’t having to carry too many things that are too heavy for your tired arms. I hope you’re able to see the tiny good things that are happening in your life today. I hope you get to breathe those things in and then share them with someone you love. I hope these things for myself too.

It’s been a rough week. For myself and a lot of people I know. Some for the same big reason of losing someone who should not have had to leave this earth yet and some for things that are happening in their own individual lives. I guess I fit into both those categories currently.

So, I’ve had a rough week. A heavy one. One so heavy that for some reason when I got home today, I couldn’t handle the thought of putting away my laundry and instead of just putting it off until later, I felt like I needed to just sit in my bathtub fully clothed and cry for awhile. And then when I felt like I could stop crying, I called a friend because I knew that I didn’t want to be alone anymore in that moment. And eventually, after talking to them or just having them on the line with me for awhile, I felt like I was strong enough to get out of the bathtub. If you found yourself needing to sit in a bathtub fully clothed because life isn’t making any sense to you either, I want you to know it’s okay. When you feel like you’re ready, call someone you trust and talk to them until you feel like you can handle what’s going on outside of that tub.

When I spoke to my best friend on the phone a little later, when they were calling just to check on me because they know I’ve been having a rough go of it this week, I let them know how hard it was to do the things today. I told them about how difficult it was to see so many people come together to celebrate the life of someone that it doesn’t seem fair that they’re gone. How incredible it was to see so much faith in one family and so much grace given to other people in spite of their loss. And the other seemingly impossible thing is that this best friend and I are going through our own change in relationship. I point this out because this is the other reason this week has been so difficult. But the incredible thing is that when you care about your people, you check on them. You’re there for them, even when you’re going through things yourself. You look at your people and you do what you can to love them well without putting yourself at risk of carrying too much yourself.

I want you to know that even when your people are there for you, it’s okay to break down. I tried to go out and get stuff for dinner for myself tonight and ended up having to pull over because I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was playing a song that I love really loud and singing along and then everything just sort of washed over me again and I had to just sit there in my car and cry for a minute. Music still blaring, plans to get food now canceled, I just sat there and cried and got angry with God and then let Them come back to me and just sat there letting myself feel all the things. And that sucked. But I let myself have that moment anyway.

I want you to know that if you’re having a hard week, it’s okay. If you’re having a hard week, you aren’t doing something inherently wrong. If you’re having a hard week, you don’t need to be ashamed of it. If life feels heavy right now, it’s not because you deserve to have all that weight on your shoulders. I want you to know that there is no right way to go through hard things. That some things may feel heavier to you than to other people, and that’s okay. I want you to know that sometimes you’ll need to sit in your bathtub and just cry it out for a second. And sometimes you’ll need to be with your people. Sometimes you’ll have to go on a run until the hurt feels less and sometimes you’ll need to sleep it off. No matter how you go through your things, just remember you don’t have to go through them alone. Even when it’s hard and messy and you are embarrassed to let people see you in that, you’re still worthy of being loved through those moments. And if you need someone to talk to, just know I’m here for you too.

We’re all just figuring this out as we go. Have a little patience for yourself. Have a little grace. We’re all works in progress.

Talk soon.

Whole from the pieces.

Sometime last year I was IMing my kindred spirit coworker about life or mental health or feeling like a fraud of a writer ( or something like that, I’m sure) and she ended up sending me a simple message that for some reason has continued to impact me almost every time I have begun to feel like my efforts towards the things I love are mute or when I feel like I have started to let my past define my current situation.

(yes, this is the same screenshot mentioned below.)

The best part of this simple message is that it is completely lacking grammatical integrity and is a perfect example of how these two former English majors converse regularly when we get together. Correct spelling be damned, she suckerpunched me with her one-liner to the point that I took a screen shot and made it the background on my social media for all to see.

“u r artist. u create whole things from all the pieces. love you.”

In a quick 13 word IM, she completely affirmed in me that regardless of all the garbage that may be in my past or all the things that have happened to me, I get to be the one to pick up the pieces and decide how I want to make things whole again. That somehow, I am completely whole even when I thought I was shattered by things in my past. Is that something that you can understand the weight of? Reading this message was HEAVY for me. Because for a long time I was struggling to convince myself that these things that happened to me didn’t take away from who I am as a person.

Yes, I think I already knew that I was a whole person even with my past. Yes, I knew that I am a writer regardless of whether or not I get published this month or not.

But to have admit that having a friend like this in my life at my old job meant the MOST in ways that I doubt even she fully realizes sometimes.

SO. Here I am in 2019, doing the best I can to take my hard days and find the small good things in them. I’m looking to build my tribe out of people who push themselves and each other to be better. To surround myself with people who know that it’s okay to be human and have hard days, but also remind each other that we are fully capable of making something whole out of all the pieces of the messes we make around ourselves.

Does all this positivity mean I don’t still have awful days? Or days where I let things get the best of me? No, not at all. I still have days that leave me feeling like I’m in pieces. I still have days where I’m fighting my mental health and trying to keep a grip on the life I am trying to build for myself.

Yesterday, I fell going up an escalator and messed up my knee, but my person was there to make sure I got it all taken care of. I was panicking and worrying about whether or not I needed stitches or if something worse is happening under the surface. But this person was there to make sure I was breathing and be behind me as I took the stairs one step at a time. I felt a little broken and a little bit like an inconvenience but they reminded me that I’m no less worthy of their time just because I got hurt on accident. It was just another one of those moments of realizing that sometimes it’s the people around you who help you to pick up the pieces every day when you aren’t able to.

I guess what I’m saying, is it’s important to have people in your life who you can lean on and trust, knowing that you would do the same for them. It’s important to have people who will send you messages to remind you that you are whole as you are and you don’t have to change something or do something more to be worthy of good things.

And if you don’t have a person like that in your life, let me step in and be that for you. We could all use someone else to be there for each other.

I’m only human. Only a work in progress. But I’m proud of where we are going and growing this year.

Talk soon.

Back in the Saddle Again

A few weeks ago I started back in school again after being out for a just over a year and a half. When I completed my bachelors degree, I honestly thought that I would take the summer off and then just jump into a grad program of my choosing and keep going like nothing was different. By the time I actually walked across that stage with my degree, however, I was burnt out. I had hit my limit and I needed a break. Life seemed to fall apart around me (see this post for some background on that if you’re interested) and I honestly just didn’t want to add one more thing to my plate to have to balance. Instead I focused on doing a great job in the position I was in and training for my first half marathon that I completed in November of 2017 (has it really been that long ago? shit. i need to get back at it).

Not to mention at the time I had absolutely no clue what I wanted to be doing in my life. And honestly, I still don’t know for sure. I know things that I like doing and I know how I want to be impacting people but I don’t have one specific job that I want to have or one specific career I think I’ll land and be completely content in. I want more, and I’m just throwing myself at the things that I love to see where that takes me.

So here I am, January of 2019, embarking on a 2+ year masters program for Library and Information Sciences. Am I sure that I want to be a librarian for forever? No. Do I know that this is something that interests me? Absolutely. It’s so strange to be attempting to find my flow with doing homework and readings again. It’s so infinitely strange to me to see my old procrastination habits popping back up again because even though so much has changed in me and in my life since I graduated, it is safe to say that some habits die hard (or not at all haha).

Last night, I stayed at the campus library until about 9:30 finishing an assignment that took me redoing it 8 times to get it close enough to correct to turn in. I worked on writing a paper that is due tonight and doing some reading that’s actually due next week on my birthday (but who wants to do homework on their birthday?!). It felt kind of good to be trying to work towards something again, even if I was beyond frustrated with the online exam I had to retake so many times last night. I do not have the best temper when it comes to getting frustrated or feeling embarrassed about school, I’ve learned. Aware of it, working on it, trying to not let it get the best of me.

I didn’t think it would be quite the struggle to find a groove for school again. I didn’t necessarily think it would be rough to get my brain in that mindset again. I think what I’m learning is that even after I finish this masters program, I don’t want to let myself fall into a period of not learning like I am now. I want to continually be pushing myself to expand the way I think about the world around me and constantly be growing in my own world.

Grad school might be a little rough right now, but I’m excited that I have this opportunity for myself. Still a work in progress, right?

I hope you want to keep growing too.

Positivity in 2019

On my lunch break today, I found myself scrolling through Twitter, catching up on some headlines and seeing what people were largely talking about in the Twitterverse in my absence. Like so many days, it was INCREDIBLY discouraging. Taking in the 2 a.m. tweets from the US’s Commander in Chief and news about the Supreme Court reviving the transgender ban for military service were good reminders of all the heavy and terrible stuff that is happening around us as we speak.

Honestly, it was just really damn sad and frustrating to read through some of the things that I was seeing on my news feed. So while I was sitting with my doggo trying to figure out where I fit into all of these things that are happening, I just had this feeling in me that I needed to go look at this one particular friend of mine’s twitter today. She had shared a post from the organization To Write Love on Her Arms that showcased their shirt that has the simple statement “hope shines brighter than fear”.

Hope shines brighter than fear.

📷: @emilyrnussbaum #twlohainthewild pic.twitter.com/eLw6Fzz0Ac

— TWLOHA (@TWLOHA) January 21, 2019

Until I saw this, I didn’t quite notice the anxiety that looking at the news had built up in my chest (I mean yes, my anxiety has a pretty solid residency in my chest, but it’s been on vacation lately and I realistically should have noticed this newly filled space in me get heavy again). Seeing the rights of my community threatened and taken away is infuriating and so scary. But I guess this post isn’t going to focus on the ins and outs of what is happening in the LGBTQIA community in today’s culture and climate.

Instead of that, I started thinking about all the ways that I’m thankful to be in the generation that I’m in and in the growing culture that I’m a part of. Before I really get started though, know that I am WELL AWARE that there are so many bad things happening and that my generation is not perfect or even close to it.

The thing is, in 2019 I just want to focus less on the negativity in my life and be more thankful for the small good things are around me. And seeing this post from TWLOHA made me remember that the good really does outshine the bad even on the worst days.

So here we go. I’m thankful that:

1. I live in a society where while still marginalized and threatened by some, it is safe to be out and walk down the street holding my significant other’s hand. To know that just a few years ago I could have lost my job just for my sexual orientation is insane to me. And to know that I am lucky enough to have had the beginning of the path paved for me to live the life I want to, as authentically as I can, makes me incredibly grateful. The fight for rights and equality is no where near finished, but the progress being made daily is inspiring.
2. The BODY POSITIVITY revolution is something that I think we can look at in today’s world and be thankful for. Instead of having one idea of beauty, the media world, for the most part, has embraced or begun to embrace the idea that every body is beautiful and we don’t need to fit one single mold. That shit is powerful to you boys and girls looking to social media and advertisements to see how they should be.
3. Mental Health Awareness is EVERYWHERE (except maybe some government officials brains while they look to make decisions on issues they have no real clue about). Seriously though, even just 8 years ago when I was 16 it was so much less common to hear about mental health awareness and self care in the scope that we do today. Now, people of all backgrounds are encouraged to talk about their mental health so they can reach out to others and we can know that we are not alone in our struggles. This change in mindset is incredibly important so we protect our friends and family and kids moving forward so they don’t suffer in silence.

Are things perfect now? No. I know it might sound like I’m writing about these things with rose colored glasses on right now, but I’m really not. I’m aware of the reality of these issues, I’m just being thankful for the change and growth that we have already seen. Gratitude is important, and I want to bring those thankful vibes with me throughout 2019. We’re all works in progresses, and even though the news really weighs heavy on me today, I know there are some pretty big things to be thankful for anyway.

Leaving home

It’s so strange, getting into bed the night before you will never be in that specific space again. 

The furnace keeps kicking on with the same familiar flex of the vents, the floor still creaks in the same spots that it’s been creaking in since the day I first visited this house, it still smells like home when I open that door to come inside. But tomorrow I’ll be loading up all of my furniture with the help of my brothers and we are going to be driving an hour south to carry all of my belongings up three flights of stairs to an apartment that does not know me yet. 

I spent the whole afternoon in this new apartment. I took my time carrying up boxes of books and clothes, trying to let it sink in that this is where I will be spending all of my time now. This place has gorgeous wood floors and that classic (but kinda goofy) black and white checkerboard tiling in the kitchen. I sat with my back against the kitchen wall and just looked through the arched doorway to the rest of this space, just trying to take it all in. 

Just under two years ago, I walked into this home that I sit in tonight for the first time. I went straight to the kitchen and hopped up on the counter. All the blinds were open so I could see out the kitchen window with a perfect view of the power lines that I’ve written about too many times since then. I remember looking at how messy everything was and imagining making it mine. Thinking about how good it felt to have a space that was all just mine. 

Thinking about the night my best friend and I got drunk and painted my kitchen cabinets from a gross tan color to white and I spent half the night trying to come out to her. I left one of the cabinets with Charlie’s paw print on it because she ran across the cabinet door when we were finishing up. She was there with me painting past one in the morning and it was so much fun even just doing something so mundane like painting cabinets. 

Thinking about sitting on my front porch in the mornings with Charlie laying on the top step and me sitting there with a notebook and hot tea just taking in the fresh air that first summer I spent here. 

Thinking about how hard I worked to get over that first heartache and collapsing on the floor after going on a run of a long bike ride in 90 degree heat at noon in the summer while we were training for our first half marathon (a feat that was largely fueled by a need for distraction, but something that I would do a thousand times over). About how it felt so good to feel so tired because we had a safe space to come back to and cool down in. 

Thinking about sitting on the kitchen floor with my back against the cabinets so exhausted from arguing with myself about what my truth was. About whether or not it was worth it to me to come out to my family. Thinking about sitting in the office on the phone with my cousin or best friend for hours just talking about life and trying to figure out what it is I’m supposed to be doing. 

Thinking about that first night I was spoke to them, so nervous to hear their voice for the first time but so excited to hear it as well. Sitting on my couch and then pacing the living room when they said they were leaving their event and would call once they got to the highway. Thinking about the way we got drunk by ourselves one night and they called us again and we couldn’t do anything but stand with our back against the front door just in awe of the way the sound waves of their voice felt like a deep calm unfolding in my chest. 

Thinking about setting up my Christmas tree for the first time and having as many strings of light on it as possible and then laying on the floor underneath it staring up its branches just like we used to do when we were kids. The way we shared our first Christmas together in that living room. 

Thinking about all the talks with God that we had while we were mowing that lawn.  

Thinking about all the late night one person dance parties we had in that kitchen. 

Thinking about how much I’ve changed in the last year and a half. 

Thinking about the growing up that happened.

Thinking about all the different parts of myself that I learned to love here.

Thinking about all the memories that were made in this house. 

Thinking about how much I’m going to miss this house. 

Thinking about the fact that I officially signed the papers giving ownership to someone else. I am sleeping in someone elses home tonight. 

Thinking about not living in this small town anymore. About not living near any of my “people” anymore. Thinking about picking up my life and trying something completely new. Thinking about how scared I am. About how they comforted me on the phone when I was worrying so much the other night. Thinking about how much I want to do in this new city of mine. Thinking of all the photos I’m going to take. Thinking about all the new memories I’m going to make. Thinking about my new space and all the ways I’m going to try to make it feel like home too. 

Thinking about how home feels so far away now. 

Thinking about getting a tattoo of a constellation. 

Thinking about how it’s okay that I’m scared and sad and excited and maybe a little hopeful for the future. 

Life is a lot of things. There isn’t just one path that we can take in our lives. Some people never buy a home. Some buy a home for themselves when they are 21. Some people never leave the town they are born in. Some pick up their whole lives and decide to see what it’s like to go away for awhile. 

In preparation for tomorrow, I’m just trying to remind myself of all the good that can come of this. All the light. All the weightlessness. 

Leaning into this moment, lovely. Here’s to a nervous work in progress. Here’s to doing our best. Here’s to not dying carrying all this furniture up three flights of stairs tomorrow. 

Talk soon. 

Little Big Things

Today was spent mostly just majorly cleaning house and continuing to pack (and apparently get rid of things? The trunk of my car is actually full of stuff) in order to get ready for my home appraisal tomorrow. It’s the final step of selling my house before we actually get to close on it and I’m kind of nervous about it. I don’t think there should be any real issue… but not having things in your control can feel completely overwhelming sometimes. 

It’s also the last full week I’ll be living here before I officially move to Indy. Which means I’m about to have to make my first full payment for this apartment along with fees and deposits for taking Charlie girl with me, and that realization has been making my wallet a little bit sad this weekend. Payday isn’t until Friday, and I knew that I needed to get gas to be able to commute those three hours total every day until then so I’ve been worrying a little bit about making that work. 

While I was packing up the last of the stray books around the house, I randomly decided to flip through my copy of Breakfast at Tiffany’s by Truman Capote and in the back of it was $21 just tucked carefully into the back. I’m not sure why past Ally decided that it was a good idea to just store that money there, but tonight I just had this overwhelming feeling of relief was over me knowing that I would be able to get gas this week without having to worry too much about the last of my bills here at the house. 

It just felt like such a blessing from God to be able to find that tonight. I had been worrying about a lot of things all day and then They just sort of made me feel like, nevermind your worrying, We’ve got this when I found that money. I know it might sound strange or too simple to feel like some sort of purposeful blessing but I like knowing that it feels like a God thing when something works out in a way that you didn’t expect. It feels like a good thing for this week. 

My house is getting to be pretty empty now. My kitchen and office are only boxes now my furniture has all been pared down to basically all that I’ll be taking with me when I move. I’ve gone through all of my clothing and gotten rid of anything that I no longer wear or that doesn’t make me feel like myself when I wear it. I’ve picked out a new candle to use when I actually get my apartment so I have a new smell to associate this new space of mine with. I’ve taken these little steps to try to feel ready. 

And God reminded me tonight that They’ve got this move in Their hands, along with everything else that is going on in my life. 

And I’m thankful. 

My messy work in progress of a life feels like it’s doing okay tonight, all facts considered. It feels like there has been a slight reprieve from the strong waves of life tonight, and even if it is just for tonight I am so grateful. The smell of eucalyptus mint candles are filling my senses and I’m tucked in on my couch with Charlie as I type this. The house is clean and I am safe and tomorrow is a new day. 

I’m trying to be positive tonight guys. I’m doing the best I can. I hope you are too, even if that just looks like putting on clean pajamas before you climb back in bed tonight. Lean into the mess. It’s a chance to make something new from the wreckage.