(Not so) Gentle

I consider myself lucky. The church that I attend in my city is a passionate one. The people that worship there are all heart and God herself gets worshiped there in a boisterous way each week. And honestly, the big way that these people show their love is what initially drew me in, even when it was all overwhelming for me. In fact, the first time that I attended a service there I cried and I have cried there more times than I can count since then, but I have felt held in my overwhelming emotions every time it has come up.

But this morning when I found myself sitting in that place, I didn’t feel like I had it in me to love and worship in the big way that this church that I have come to love is known to do. The worship leader got lost in a moment during one of the songs and the whole congregation seemed to join him in loud declarations of peace and love in this space. But instead of joining them in that moment, I felt outside of myself. I found myself apologizing in my head for not feeling able to hands-to-the-sky worship this morning. Apologizing for not being all that I thought I was supposed to be in that moment.

As if God doesn’t know my heart and know why I wasn’t feeling able to give all of myself.

As if God doesn’t already see in me how my silent worship is just as worthy of them as my church around me who are able to show it all more loudly.

As if I somehow wasn’t good enough for Them in that moment because my heart was feeling heavy this morning.

While I was praying my apologies I felt that weight lift off of me. In that moment, I felt reassured in my emotions that my quiet moment with Them was important. I felt held in the heaviness that I couldn’t explain in myself. And it was an unexpected moment for me to suddenly feel like my apologies turned to thanks instead.

I know I’m not the only one who puts pressure on themselves to behave a certain way. I know I’m not the only person who wonders if their lives are being lived “big” enough for God. If I’m giving enough of myself if I’m not matching the outward appearance of the people around me as we are celebrating our lives as affirmed spiritual queer people.

Every once in a while I have days like today where I am disproportionately hard on myself about things that don’t require the kind of criticism that I’m offering up. Every once in awhile I struggle to have grace for myself when I have a hard time yelling hallelujah with my people because of things I haven’t yet let go of. But every single time that I have shown up even when I don’t feel like I have it in me to give more, I have been met with a reassurance that just being where I am is enough.

I guess I just wanted to write about this because I wanted to remind you out there that if you feel like you’re out of place when you worship sometimes, it’s okay. It’s okay if all you can do when you’re meeting with God is shut your eyes and listen. It’s okay if you don’t feel strong enough to raise your hands in praise, even when you feel that thankfulness in you.

I guess I just wanted to remind myself to be gentle when those hard moments come, because they will come. They will always come but we don’t have to be so hard on ourselves when we don’t meet standards that we put on ourselves.

I guess I just needed the reminder today that God knows the prayers you have even if your hands aren’t the highest ones in the sanctuary.

My gentle hallelujah reached Them all the same.