here’s to being honest even when it’s hard

you know, it’s interesting when you’re getting to know someone. at first there is this blissful period when you are finding out their likes and dislikes and just getting to know the best parts of that person. and then you slip into the strange stage of finding out what they used to be like and the skeletons in their closet start to come out. we all have them, those little things that we don’t really want to tell anyone. some big, some small. but there is always something that is hard to say but yet it will inevitably come out at some point.

i think when we find out that these people we love and care for have histories that they might not be proud of we start to have conflicted feelings about them at first. maybe not, maybe there are some of you out there that just completely put the past behind you and don’t give it a second thought. but i think for the rest of us it scares us. or maybe scared is too strong of a word. either way we see just how human we all are and it reminds us that we have pasts that we aren’t proud of too.

i have some amazing people in my life. and recently someone who i have gotten exceptionally close with told me things that he had done in the past. he wanted to get it all out in the open so that there wasn’t anything out there that could come between us. and it was hard to hear at first. but judging someone by their past is not something that i believe in. i have a past just like everyone else does and i know how hard it can be to admit that there are some shadows that i would rather not talk about.

it was a reminder that we all just need to be accepted for who we are. we are all just doing the best we can.

when i said it’s interesting when you are getting to know someone, i meant it. because it’s such an intricate dance of vulnerability when you are really trying to get to know someone. i feel lucky that he trusted me enough to talk about it. we live in a world where vulnerability is hard to come by because it is so much easier to just hide behind whatever personae you have built around yourself than it is to be honest with each other. it hurts. it pulls something inside you like that last string you’ve been holding on to inside yourself is stretching to a breaking point and when it finally snaps you find out that there is more inside you than just that thing you’ve been holding on to.

i’m beginning to think that vulnerability is my word for 2015. it may be seven months late for the new year, but i think it is starting to represent every change that i’ve come across this year.

here’s to being honest with each other.

how to travel (or how to panic about traveling on your own for the first time)

i have never flown before. (okay, i lied. i flew once when i was four, but i hardly think that counts seeing as i don’t actually remember it.)  and because i have never flown i am slightly concerned for this friday when i board a plane for the first time and i will be doing it alone. this long weekend of travel that i am taking has raised a couple concerns for me and i figured what better way to get over these concerns than to fill the internet with them? and away we go…

1. it’s not so much the flying part that worries me as much as the getting through security part does. i can’t be the only person who panics at the thought that they will get stopped for something even though they know for a fact that they haven’t brought anything illegal or dangerous with them. i have an unnatural fear when walking through even just those metal detectors at stores in spite of the fact that i know that i did not steal anything.

2. does  anyone else get bothered by thought of breathing everyone else’s air on the plane? and you KNOW someone will fart at some point and the rest of us will be breathing that for the remainder of the flight.

3. the airport i am flying into is significantly larger than the one i’m leaving from. which makes me worried that i will either not be able to find my luggage or not be able to figure out where to go to find my ride once i’m there.

4. should i be worried about bed bugs on a plane? is that a thing? i was actually thinking about that one last night before i was able to go to bed. (sidenote: does putting dryer sheets in the corners of hotel mattresses really help with bed bugs?)

5. is it appropriate to take extras from the complementary breakfast at my hotel so i have food for later in the day without having to pay for it? (don’t give me that look, i’m a remarkably broke college student. judge me all you want, i’m still taking that extra granola bar.)

6. will one travel shampoo really last me my whole trip or should i count on needing to ask the hotel for more free mini bottles? (i’ve got a lot of hair and i already know that i’m going to wish i brought more conditioner to keep it under control.)

7. is it possible to just bring one pair of pants and expect to find a way to make them last the whole trip? (i’m asking for a friend…)

there are more ridiculous things that i have been considering since this trip has been creeping up on me lately and i’m sure i’ll be posting on here some more once i’m actually on the road, but i think that’s a good stopping place for now. i’m extremely excited to be able to get out of my home state for awhile and be out on my own, but i’m really hoping that i don’t make myself look like an even more ridiculous adult child. no one really tells you how to travel on your own for the first time though, so i’m just going to call this my work in progress trip.

anyway, we’re all just a work in progress anyway, so i’m just excited for the ride.

“I’ve been making a list of the things they don’t teach you at school. They don’t teach you how to love somebody. They don’t teach you how to be famous. They don’t teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don’t teach you how to walk away from someone you don’t love any longer. They don’t teach you how to know what’s going on in someone else’s mind. They don’t teach you what to say to someone who’s dying. They don’t teach you anything worth knowing.”
Neil Gaiman

a little bit of summer

It’s been a while since I’ve taken the time to post on here. I would like to say that I have just been too busy, but in all honesty I just didn’t feel like I had anything to say. But I’ve taken my leave and I’m back, this time more determined to write something on here even if I’m not 100% in love with what gets written down.

While I was out I got to go see Ed Sheeran in concert. There is something about going to an outdoor concert that is different than any other experience you can fathom. Especially when the concert is like this one where the music is less of a get up and dance like now one is watching type music and more of a sit back and chill kind of music. I was a little bit later getting to the show and the lawn was practically full when I went to stake out the piece of land that would be mine for the next few hours. After wandering for a solid fifteen minutes, we found a spot just big enough for our three bodies to hang out on a blanket.

Then came one of my favorite parts of going to concerts: people watching.

I don’t mean that in a creepy, stalker kind of way. Rather, I like getting to sit back and enjoy watching people flutter around their own little world when they think no one is watching. This is the kind of time when you see that lady to your left pull a flask out of her back pocket throughout the night and then watch her partner keep a hand on her shoulder for the last hour so she can stay upright. You’ll see the group of teenagers acting ridiculous when they think their parents aren’t around and then watch them straighten up when the adults join them a little later on. You’ll see best friends just hanging out enjoying the music of the opening act even though they had never heard of them before that night. You’ll see couples dancing close when Ed plays “Thinking Out Loud” and you’ll see friends lean a little bit closer to the person they want to be with but are too afraid to say anything. You’ll see people get up and dance on the fast songs they know and you’ll see people sit back and close their eyes as the music just washes over them, because there is nothing quite like sitting in a crowd of people all there for the same reason, experiencing this thing together.

I love getting to go to these concerts. I love getting to look around and see the different ways people are experiencing this moment. The energy. The way somehow thousands of people just move together. The way it feels like things will never feel like that again.

It pulls you in. It pulled me in. It was a strange reminder that things aren’t always going to be like this so I need to stop and enjoy it.

So things have been happening while I have been away from this place. But so much more is about to happen. More later.