under pressure

it’s monday. i’m sitting at the welcome center at my school. sun coming through the wall of windows on my left. a light flickering just over my right shoulder. girl on her phone walks into a chair in front of me because she didn’t see it coming. a professor to my left appears to have lost his keys in his pocket.

i’m sitting here making these observations with the knowledge that i should really be spending my time being more productive because lord knows i have enough to do.

it’s the second week of the semester and that dark cloud of doubt is starting to seep in. now is the time that i start to realize that i may have bitten off more than i can chew and that i probably shouldn’t have signed up to volunteer for this or should have turned down that invitation. classes aren’t impossibly hard this semester but i can tell that a couple of them are going to be all too easy for me to casually ignore, as if they don’t need the attention that my other classes demand. for someone who loves learning and loves getting to help others, this stuff wears me out beyond belief.

i have an awesome opportunity to be in a leader position for a club on campus this year and i am so afraid that i am going to drop the ball. already i have been struggling to come up with the ideas that we need to get the semester kickoff going and i have been stressing every time my email *dings* with another message from a professor or staff member needing me to do something.

in spite of these things wearing on my mind, i want to be a part of it. i love working with the people that i work with and i so enjoy being a part of the three literature classes that i’m enrolled in this year. it’s that self-doubt that creeps in and totally knocks my feet out from under me.

I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am. -Sylvia Plath

i’ve been thinking about this quote a lot this past weekend. thinking about how sometimes i find myself doing the same thing; when i get too stressed and too weighed down by things in my life i stop and -often while laying on the ground somewhere- listen to the pounding in my chest. it feels like both a warning and a reassuring sign that i am still me even when the things in my life are out of control.

here’s to a new semester. here’s to once again realizing that i am not superman, but i am me. and sometimes that can be enough.


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