heavy and light

the window behind me is cracked open. not enough to let the rain that is pouring down come in, but still open so i can hear the earth changing with each drop that hits the surface. i woke up this morning feeling heavy and everything around me seemed to follow suit. i had the chance to sit on my back porch this afternoon as the storms started to roll in. i was reading a book that was changing me and i was feeling the air change around me and i couldn’t stop thinking about where i am supposed to be going. the air around me heavy as an anvil just waiting to be dropped in some cartoon from my childhood.

but just as i was thinking that the skies opened up and the air changed again. in one simple action the heaviness all around me was lifted. the earth was breathing again and life was being pumped back into the ground around me. in awe, i just put down my book to soak it in and had myself convinced that this rain was a healing kind of rain for me. but really, it wasn’t ever supposed to be healing for me. it was healing for what was around me and it was never going to be the thing that took the heaviness away from in me.

i think we trick ourselves into thinking that different changes in our circumstance can change what is inside of us. but, like running away, all we are doing are changing our surroundings and not actually taking care of the very thing we’re running from. as i sat there considering all of this it dawned on me that my heaviness was because of all the worries and changes that i was trying to bear myself.

that realization is technically what brought me here, to sit in front of this computer screen at 11:13 at night to try to sort out my thoughts.

the heavy part of me had already taken up the majority of my day.

the light was just getting started.

that breathe of change and cleanliness and hope that i felt outside this afternoon is the light part that we have to cling to. maybe standing in the rain doesn’t help wash our dark parts. maybe it’s talking to someone about it. maybe it’s hoping that we’re going to get another chance tomorrow. maybe we have to sit down and watch the rain fall around us to see that even our world gets new chances, so why shouldn’t we?

accepting that the heavy parts of me will always come back actually took away some of the heaviness. i’m human. i make mistakes. i either learn from them or i carry them with me. but you’re human too. and we can carry the weight together.

maybe it’s time we all just took a moment to listen to this rain falling down around us. maybe we should take it as a good sign that new things are coming. maybe we need to not be afraid to get our feet wet.

maybe this is our second chance.

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